Act 2
The same suburban kitchen. It is evening.
HE and SHE are seated at the kitchen table with a nondescript man in a grey suit. He is the DETECTIVE.
DETECTIVE:
Just a few routine questions, sir and madam. Should not detain you long.
HE: I hardly knew the man.
SHE: I never liked him, nor his stuck-up little wife.
HE: She's quite tall, actually.
SHE: Trust you to notice the shape and size of another woman's body.
HE: I was only answering this gentleman's questions, dear.
DETECTIVE:
With respect, sir, we were talking about the lady's husband.
SHE: If they're married, which I doubt.
DETECTIVE:
Why would that be, madam?
SHE: Well, look at the sort of people they are, in trouble with the police and all.
HE: But we're not married.
SHE: What's that got to do with it?
HE: I was only saying.
SHE: You're "only saying" a darn sight too much, if you ask me.
HE: You already said that.
SHE: Well, it's true, isn't it?
DETECTIVE:
Perhaps if we stick with the matter in hand we'll get this over rather quicker, sir.
HE: Yes but . . .
DETECTIVE (sharply):
Sir!
HE: OK.
SHE: You will go shooting your mouth off, you.
DETECTIVE:
Madam, please.
Now sir. You say your neighbours aren't married.
SHE: Yes.
HE: No.
DETECTIVE:
So which is it, sir?
HE: I simply don't know whether they're married.
SHE: I do.
DETECTIVE:
Really?
SHE: A woman can tell. We have an instinct for such things.
HE: But you can't be sure, can you?
DETECTIVE:
By the way, sir. I assume you and your good lady are married?
HE: Well, er . . .
SHE: Whose business is it, anyway? We chose not to, if you must know.
DETECTIVE:
Do you mind telling me why not, sir?
SHE: How come you address all your questions to him?
DETECTIVE:
Purely fortuitous, I assure you, madam. And your answer would be?
SHE: That it's none of your bloody business. What do you say to that?
DETECTIVE:
That it's all data, madam. All grist to the mill. As is your refusal to answer.
(To HE.)
Now, sir, if madam will permit.
How long have you known the gentleman in question?
HE: Ever since they moved in.
DETECTIVE:
And that would be precisely when?
HE: Four or five years ago.
SHE: No, longer.
HE: Not more than six, anyway.
DETECTIVE:
Were you at all close, sir?
HE: Not really. I bought my fags at his shop.
DETECTIVE:
So you smoke.
HE: It's not against the law yet, is it?
SHE: It ought to be, don't you think, officer?
DETECTIVE:
It's not for me to say, madam. And please don't call me officer.
HE: So what's your name?
DETECTIVE:
That needn't concern you, sir.
So your sole encounters with him were in the cigarette shop? No Sunday afternoon chats over the garden wall? No borrowing of lawn mowers?
SHE: Lawn mowers? Are you joking? Have you seen the state of his garden?
DETECTIVE:
Keen gardeners, are you?
SHE: Not that you'd notice. I planted the hydrangeas.
HE: And I do mow the lawn.
SHE: Yes he does, credit where due. I don't often need to nag to get it done.
HE: Oh, I almost forgot. We used to have the occasional pint together.
DETECTIVE:
How occasional would that be, sir?
HE: Once or twice a week at most.
DETECTIVE:
And has that continued to the present day?
SHE: No.
DETECTIVE:
Sir?
HE: I stopped.
DETECTIVE:
Was that a sudden cessation, sir? Or did it just peter out?
SHE: I got fed up.
DETECTIVE:
Sir?
HE: Gradual, I suppose.
SHE: Coming home all hours.
HE: He can get a bit aggressive, when he's a drop taken.
SHE: Smelling like a brewery.
HE: Not that he was ever violent or anything like that.
SHE: And coming over all romantic, wanting sex, when I'd been asleep for hours.
HE: Just very argumentative.
SHE: He'd wake me up, his hands all over me.
HE: Saying the same things, over and over again. It got very boring, after a while.
SHE: I had to put my foot down.
HE: So next time, I made my excuses and stopped going.
DETECTIVE:
You have a problem with alcohol, madam?
SHE: I'm not that intolerant of alcohol. I like a glass of red with a steak. Or cheese. But NEVER with fish!
HE: It was different, when they came to dinner. Wine didn't seem to have the same effect as beer and whisky in the pub.
That's what he used to drink there: boilermakers, Scotch with a pint of bitter as a chaser. Vicious!
DETECTIVE:
So you still socialised then, sir? Coming round for a meal? Did you make a return visit?
HE: Not really.
SHE: She's a lousy cook. And he drank a lot more at his own table than he did here. So did you.
HE: Me?
SHE: You matched him, glass for glass. Or at least you tried to. I dragged you home before things got out of hand.
DETECTIVE:
And you ladies, did you match the men, glass for glass?
SHE: She tried to get me to. That awful single malt, tasted like chemicals.
HE: But I told you, that's one of the greatest Scotch whiskies. It's the peat that gives it that smoky flavour.
SHE: Well, they can keep it. Give me a nice Drambuie, any time. Or a Southern Comfort.
DETECTIVE:
So she, also, liked her tipple. And you say she tried . . .
HE: To stop?
SHE: To get me involved.
DETECTIVE:
Involved?
SHE: There was a weird vibe.
HE: That was your imagination.
SHE: No. I felt it. You were too far gone.
DETECTIVE:
Are you suggesting . . . ?
SHE: Yes.
HE: What?
SHE: You know.
HE: No.
SHE: Well, you must be a bigger fool than I took you for.
HE: Her imagination, I assure you. Nothing like that was ever suggested.
DETECTIVE:
So there was no actual . . . ?
SHE: Proposition? No.
HE: Of course not.
SHE: But I knew. I got him out of there, fast as his little legs would carry him.
(To HE)
We had a bit of a barney about it, if you remember.
HE: I remember, you didn't talk to me all next day. Wouldn't tell me what I'd done, if anything.
DETECTIVE:
And what had he done, madam, if you don't mind my asking?
SHE: Nothing. But I could see he'd be up for it.
HE: Up for what, for goodness sake?
SHE: You know.
HE: I don't.
SHE: Of course you would. I could see the look in your eyes. When you looked at her.
HE: What look?
DETECTIVE:
But nothing untoward actually happened.
HE: Of course not.
SHE: I made sure it didn't.
DETECTIVE:
A bit unusual, wouldn't it be, a respectable neighbourhood like this?
SHE: Respectable? Don't you believe it. I could tell you stories . . .
HE: Stupid gossip.
SHE: Make your hair stand on end.
(Doorbell rings)
DETECTIVE:
I'll get that.
HE: But . . .
(Exit DETECTIVE.)
HE: What'd you want to say that for?
SHE: Say what?
HE: You know. About her.
SHE: Well, it's true isn't it?
HE: What you said.
SHE: When?
HE: At the time.
SHE: Watch out! He's coming back.
(Enter DETECTIVE and MAN.)
MAN: I'll take over from here on.
DETECTIVE:
Do you want me to stay, sir?
MAN: No. That won't be necessary.
But if you'll take the lady into the front room and leave her there with the WPC, I'll have a few words with the gentleman on his own.
DETECTIVE:
But my report, sir? He's been saying some rather incriminating things about you and your good lady.
HE: But that wasn't me.
DETECTIVE:
Quite right, sir. It was the woman. Apologies.
SHE: Lady, if you don't mind.
MAN: Have it all typed up and on my desk by first thing AM.
DETECTIVE:
Yes sir.
Madam?
(Exit DETECTIVE and SHE:)
(MAN goes over to sugar jar and shakes it.)
MAN: It still rattles.
HE: That'll be the teaspoon. Open it up and look.
(MAN does so.)
MAN: Quite right.
HE: Well, that's one mystery solved.
MAN: Well, not quite.
HE: Not quite?
MAN: Well, we don't KNOW it was the teaspoon rattling last time, do we?
HE: I knew.
MAN: If you knew, why didn't you say?
HE: I tried, but she shouted me down.
MAN: Your good lady?
HE: My wife.
MAN: Let's call her your partner, shall we?
HE: Whatever.
MAN: It's quite OK, not being married, you know.
HE: I know.
MAN: It's not illegal, living with a woman who's not your wife, but we prefer a more stable relationship.
HE: There's nothing unstable about . . .
MAN: It's tidier for us, if you get my drift. We're happier. Like if people go to the church of their choice.
HE: Church?
MAN: Of your choice. Yes. Are you what we might call a worshipping man, sir?
HE: You don't have to call me sir.
MAN: It'd be better if we keep it formal, sir.
HE: But when you've got pissed with a bloke . . .
MAN: Water under the bridge, sir. Best forgotten.
Where were we? Oh yes, church.
HE: Well I believe, of course.
MAN: Believe? In exactly what, sir? There's all kinds of beliefs, different isms.
HE: In a higher power.
MAN: That's strange nomenclature.
HE: Nomen - ?
MAN: Name. For God.
HE: Well, there's lots of different names, aren't there? Allah. Jehovah. Jah-Bul-On.
MAN: Jah-Bul-On? Who's that when he's at home, sir?
HE: You're obviously not a Mason. I thought all policemen were.
MAN: What makes you think I'm a policeman?
HE: Well, aren't you?
MAN: Perhaps we better just confine ourselves to the matter in hand.
These names for God . . .
HE: Higher power.
MAN: Whatever. Which of those names do you prefer?
HE: None. The Bible says we shouldn't.
MAN: Shouldn't?
HE: Name him.
MAN: Read the Bible a lot, do you?
HE: Not since I left school. We worked our way through it, so I remember some bits.
MAN: Which bits would they be?
HE: You know: do not kill, love your neighbour. The basics.
(Enter WOMAN. SHE comes over to MAN and he kisses her on the cheek.)
WOMAN: I see you've put her in there with the WPC. Was that really wise, dear?
MAN: Wise, my love?
WOMAN: Leaving her alone with that young woman.
MAN: Oh, the WPC can take good care of herself, I'm sure.
WOMAN: I think we should have her back, though, don't you?
MAN: Whatever you say, my love.
WOMAN: Let's keep it formal, shall we?
MAN: As you wish.
HE: But it must feel a little bit funny, after all.
WOMAN: In what way?
HE: Well, like I said, it feels funny to me, him calling me sir, when we've been on the piss together. Likewise, when you've
been . . .
WOMAN: Yes?
HE: You know.
MAN (whispering; WOMAN does not hear.):
I do. But you're wrong. We don't.
HE: Not never?
MAN: Not once.
HE: Bloody hell! That's a bit hard, isn't it?
MAN: It's a purely professional relationship, that's all.
HE: So you keep it formal.
MAN: That's right.
WOMAN: What are you two whispering about?
(No answer.)
I'll go and get her.
(Exit WOMAN. she returns with SHE.)
SHE: (To HE.): Are you all right, dear?
(HE is about to speak, but MAN intervenes.)
MAN: Please sit down. We've only a few questions and then we'll get out of your hair.
SHE: But . . .
MAN (To HE):
We were talking about your religious beliefs.
SHE: But he doesn't . . .
MAN: Do you mind, madam? We'll get on a lot quicker if you don't interrupt.
HE: But she's right.
MAN: About what?
HE: I don't.
SHE: He doesn't.
MAN: But I remember precisely. I've a note here. You told my
detective . . .
HE: He must have misunderstood.
MAN: Clearly.
HE: And why's it anyone's business . . .
SHE: . . . what we believe?
MAN: So let me get this clear, madam, to avoid any further misunderstanding. You are in one mind about this, you and
your . . .
WOMAN (Helpfully):
Partner.
MAN: Thank you.
SHE: Yes.
HE: No.
MAN: Which is it, sir, yes or no?
HE: We've never even discussed it.
MAN: Forbidden topic, is it, sir?
SHE: Why do you keep calling him sir?
HE: He says he wants to keep it formal.
MAN: Well?
HE: What?
MAN: Why was it never discussed?
SHE: It's a private matter.
MAN: Between man and . . .
WOMAN: Partner.
MAN: I was going to say wife, but of course you're right. Partner.
So what other secrets do you have between each other? Or, rather, from each other, perhaps I should say.
HE: What are you getting at?
MAN: Well, it's a funny sort of a relationship, it seems to me. You're not married yet you pass yourselves off as man and wife. You keep your religious views from each other. And I suppose you, sir, are not aware of your wife's . . . er . . .
WOMAN: Tendencies.
SHE & HE: Tendencies?
MAN: Well, what would you call them?
HE: I don't know what you mean.
MAN: Really?
WOMAN: HE does.
MAN: You think so?
WOMAN: I know so.
MAN: You think he's turning a blind eye?
WOMAN: I think perhaps it turns him on.
MAN: But that's disgusting.
WOMAN: There's a lot of it about.
MAN: No wonder the country's going to rack and ruin.
HE: Now look here.
MAN: I believe I'm still waiting for a reply to my question.
HE: I want you to leave.
SHE: Yes. Right now.
MAN: So you're agreed on that?
HE & SHE: Yes.
WOMAN: Perhaps we ought to . . .
MAN: No.
WOMAN: But.
MAN: There's still some matters . . .
WOMAN: We could come back tomorrow.
MAN: . . . we need clearing up.
HE: You're not coming back tomorrow.
MAN: No?
SHE: Not tomorrow.
HE: Or any other day.
WOMAN: But what about Saturday?
SHE: What?
MAN: We were going ten-pin bowling.
HE: You've got to be joking.
SHE: You come here.
HE: Asking all sorts of personal questions.
SHE: Making insinuations.
MAN: I'm only doing my job.
WOMAN: His job.
SHE: When the boot's on the other foot.
MAN: What exactly do you mean by that?
SHE: Ask her.
HE: Yeah. That night we got pissed round your place.
WOMAN: Are you suggesting that I . . . ?
MAN: But that's outrageous.
SHE: If the cap fits . . .
WOMAN: I don't know what they're on about.
SHE: Not that we're sitting in judgement.
HE: Let him without sin . . .
SHE: . . . cast the first stone.
MAN: So you admit you're not blameless.
HE: Who is?
WOMAN: Well I am, for a start.
SHE: You could have fooled me.
WOMAN: When?
HE: That night. You were all bedroom eyes.
MAN: Is that true?
WOMAN: At you?
HE: I don't think your looks were aimed at me.
WOMAN: At her?
MAN: Now look here.
SHE: No, you look here.
WOMAN: Are you going to stand there?
HE: We've already asked you to leave.
WOMAN: And let them insult me?
HE: He's got to take it into account.
WOMAN: Wild allegations!
HE: It's all data, remember.
MAN: He's right about that.
WOMAN: You're not taking them seriously.
MAN: Not personally, of course.
WOMAN: I should think not!
MAN: But officially . . .
WOMAN: What!?
HE: He's got to follow up every lead.
SHE: That's right.
MAN: That's right.
WOMAN: I'm going to ask for a transfer.
MAN: It's nothing personal.
WOMAN: It's VERY personal.
MAN: You're being a bit unprofessional about this.
HE: He's only doing his job.
SHE: After all, it's not illegal.
MAN: Not strictly speaking, no.
WOMAN: What's that supposed to mean?
MAN: Well, in our line of business . . .
HE: Everyone's got to be whiter than white.
SHE: That's right.
WOMAN: What do you two know about it?
SHE: More than you think.
HE: We're concerned citizens.
MAN: It's everyone's duty.
HE: To be vigilant.
SHE: After all, we have the children to consider. You living next door, and all.
MAN: Children?
HE (astonished):
Children?
WOMAN: But you haven't any children.
SHE: Not yet.
HE: Not yet?
SHE: I was going to tell you.
MAN: Tell him what?
WOMAN: Oh, my Lord.
HE: How long have you known?
SHE: Well this is my third month.
HE: Don't you think I've a right to know?
SHE: But you knew I'd been sick.
WOMAN: Oh, my Lord.
SHE: Every morning.
HE: I thought it was just a hangover.
MAN (Stands):
Well, it's obvious you two have got a lot to talk about.
WOMAN: So we'll leave it for now.
MAN: Will we still see you on Saturday?
HE: I don't know if she'll be up to it.
SHE: No, I'll be OK.
MAN: Till Saturday, then.
WOMAN: And I better start knitting.
SHE & HE: Knitting?
WOMAN: Bootees and stuff for the little one.
SHE: Little ones.
ALL: Ones?
SHE: They say it's going to be twins.
(Curtain.)
