Act 1
(Scene: a suburban kitchen. HE and SHE are seated at the kitchen table.)
HE: Well, you know what I mean.
SHE: No?
HE: You know.
SHE: What?
HE: What I mean.
SHE: Didn't you?
HE: Yes.
SHE: What?
HE: I said.
SHE: When?
HE: Just now.
SHE: That moment?
HE: Just before?
SHE: I don't remember.
HE: I thought you did.
SHE: When?
HE: A moment ago.
SHE: No.
HE: I'm certain.
SHE: No. Not me.
HE: But you must remember. I was saying . . .
SHE: What?
HE: You know.
SHE: No.
HE: How can you not?
SHE: Not what?
HE: Remember.
SHE: There's nothing TO remember.
HE: You must! I was saying . . . and then you . . .
SHE: What did I say?
HE: You know.
SHE: I don't remember.
HE: You must! It was just a moment ago. When you . . .
SHE: I what?
HE: You said . . .
SHE: What did I say?
HE: How can you have forgotten? It meant so much to me, hearing those words . . .
SHE: What words, for God's sake?
HE: It's not for me to say.
SHE: Why not?
HE: It'd sound false. As if I were trying to put words into your mouth.
SHE: No, it's all right. Go ahead.
HE: You really mean it?
SHE: Yes, I do.
HE: I don't know if I can.
SHE: Go on!
HE: No, I can't.
SHE: All right then. Suit yourself.
HE: No. Wait.
SHE: What for?
HE: We had it there.
SHE: Had what where?
HE: Here. Just for a moment.
SHE: When?
HE: Just now.
SHE: What about it?
HE: I thought we had it there, just for a moment.
SHE: Had what?
HE: Like I said.
SHE: What did you say?
HE: After you said.
SHE: When?
HE: Just now. Just for a moment, I thought . . .
SHE: What did you think?
HE: That you . . .
SHE: Me?
HE: Yes, you. You and I.
SHE: You and me?
HE: Yes. Why not?
SHE: Well, it's just that I never thought.
HE: Not for a moment?
SHE: Honestly, never. Not ever.
HE: Never?
SHE: Not in my wildest dreams.
HE: But you said . . .
SHE: I think you must have been mistaken.
HE: How could I be? I can remember your exact words.
(Doorbell & loud knocking. HE exits, returns with MAN and WOMAN.)
HE: I was just saying.
WOMAN: What?
HE: Well, really, it was her.
SHE: So you say.
MAN: What?
SHE: I didn't mean to say what he thinks I said.
MAN: You didn't say it, or you didn't mean it?
WOMAN: Men always do that.
MAN: Always?
SHE: Well he does, anyway.
HE: What do I always do?
MAN: I like to get things straight.
WOMAN (to HE):
I expect she means you hear what you want to hear.
SHE: That's right.
MAN: Well, that's sorted.
(picking up canister and shaking it)
What's in here?
SHE: Sugar.
MAN: But it rattles.
WOMAN: I expect it's a teaspoon.
SHE: That's right.
HE: But I took it out.
SHE: When?
HE: To stir my coffee.
WOMAN: Filthy habit.
MAN: What?
WOMAN: Using the sugar spoon to stir your coffee.
SHE: Spoils it for everyone.
MAN (shakes jar again):
So what's rattling, if it's not the teaspoon?
WOMAN: Does it matter?
SHE: I'll put it back when I've washed up.
HE: I'll wash up.
SHE: About time.
WOMAN: Men never.
HE: Never what?
SHE: Wash up.
WOMAN: HE never does.
HE: I washed up yesterday.
MAN: I don't think it's my function in a relationship.
WOMAN: And your function would be what, exactly?
SHE: (to HE):
No you didn't.
HE: The day before yesterday then.
MAN (to WOMAN):
Let's not get into that, here and now. (Taps his nose)
SHE: And I'm supposed to be grateful for small mercies.
HE: Well, I get tired, going out to work.
WOMAN: But she works, too.
MAN (persistently):
So what is it?
SHE: What?
MAN: Rattling.
WOMAN: In the sugar jar.
MAN: Right.
SHE: But does it matter?
HE: Does what matter?
WOMAN: She's right.
SHE: Yes.
HE: About what?
WOMAN: About what you think she said.
HE: About the sugar jar?
SHE: No, before they came in.
HE: What was that then?
SHE: You know.
WOMAN: What you were saying to us.
HE: When?
WOMAN: When we arrived. You said . . .
MAN (exasperated):
Look.
HE: No, it wasn't me.
WOMAN: I remember distinctly.
MAN: Look.
HE: When was that, then?
SHE: When they arrived.
HE: But you weren't there.
SHE: Yes I was.
MAN: Look.
HE: They were out in the lobby.
SHE: But I could hear you.
MAN: Look.
WOMAN: That's right. You said.
MAN (shouts):
LOOK! I want to get to the bottom of this.
HE (in a conciliatory tone):
I was only saying.
SHE: But that's just the trouble.
You're always "only saying".
WOMAN: Yes, he does it, too.
MAN: I want to bloody know!
SHE & WOMAN (together):
What?
MAN: What's that in the bloody sugar jar?
WOMAN: Sugar, I expect.
MAN: No, rattling.
WOMAN: Oh that.
MAN: Yes that.
HE: Does it matter?
MAN: Why are you taking their side?
HE: Am I?
MAN: I'd have thought you'd want to know.
HE: What?
MAN: What's in the jar.
WOMAN: You mean, apart from sugar.
HE: Rattling?
MAN: Precisely.
SHE: Does it matter?
WOMAN: Does it matter?
MAN: So you're all in it.
SHE: All in what?
MAN: Even him.
HE: Me?
SHE: He knows nothing about it.
HE: I don't take sugar.
MAN (triumphantly):
He knows nothing about WHAT?
SHE: Anything.
HE: She's right about that.
WOMAN: About what?
HE: About me.
SHE: He knows nothing about nothing.
HE: That's what she always says.
SHE: No I don't.
MAN (rattling jar):
Even about this?
HE: Especially about that.
SHE: Anyway, what's there to know?
MAN: Aren't you just the teensiest little bit curious?
WOMAN: Only a man would be.
HE: Well, I'm not.
SHE: I expect he's only saying that.
HE: Please don't talk about me in front of my face as if I'm not here.
SHE: Most of the time, you might as well not be.
WOMAN: They're all like that.
MAN: I'M not.
WOMAN: Yes you are.
MAN: I'm the only one anxious to know, any road.
SHE: Know what?
HE: I honestly don't care.
WOMAN: He doesn't.
SHE: They never do.
MAN: But I care.
HE: Does it really matter?
MAN: Obviously, not to you. That's what makes me so suspicious.
WOMAN: It's his job, you see. Makes him suspicious of everyone.
SHE: His job?
HE: Yes, what exactly do you do?
MAN: I'm not allowed to say.
(To woman)
You shouldn't have said that.
WOMAN: But everyone knows.
SHE: Or suspects.
HE: But I'm his closest friend, and I don't know what he does.
Or suspects.
MAN: Which is as it should be.
HE: That's right.
SHE: What do you know about it?
HE: More than you think.
WOMAN: Now he's being mysterious.
SHE: He always does that.
WOMAN: THEY always do that. Especially him.
HE: Who, me?
WOMAN: No, HIM. Going out all hours.
SHE: Don't you ask him . . . ?
WOMAN: He wouldn't say.
MAN: How'd you know, if you don't ask?
WOMAN: I just know.
SHE: Perhaps he's got a fancy woman.
WOMAN: A fancy woman? Him?
SHE: You'd be amazed.
WOMAN: No, I trust him.
SHE: I wouldn't.
WOMAN: He wouldn't dare.
HE (To MAN):
I thought you worked in a shop.
SHE: That's probably his cover.
HE: But I buy my cigarettes from him, every day.
WOMAN: I didn't know you smoked.
SHE: He doesn't.
WOMAN: Apparently, he does.
SHE: And it's always possible yours has a fancy woman.
WOMAN: No, it's his job.
HE: I don't believe it.
MAN: We're getting away from the main issue.
SHE: Which is?
MAN: What's rattling in the sugar jar?
HE: Well, that's easily sorted.
(He picks up the jar and is about to open it.)
MAN & WOMAN (Shouting together)
DON'T OPEN IT!
HE: Why on earth not?
(Is about to do so.)
MAN & WOMAN:
NO, DON'T.
WOMAN: You never know what you might find, if you open up that can of worms.
SHE: It's sugar, not worms.
HE: I've given up fishing.
SHE: I made him keep his worms in the woodshed.
MAN: What else does he keep there?
HE: I've sold most of my tackle.
MAN: Any guns?
HE: Guns?
MAN: Or any other lethal weapons?
HE: What sort of man do you think I am?
MAN: What I'm trying to find out.
WOMAN: But he's your closest friend.
HE: I'm your closest friend.
MAN: I thought he was. But now . . .
HE: But now what?
MAN: Now I'm beginning to wonder.
HE: Wonder what?
MAN: Well, let's go over the events of the last few minutes, shall we?
WOMAN (admiringly):
He's got a very analytical brain, I'll say that for him.
SHE: I expect it's the training.
HE: Training?
SHE: If he's some kind of field operative.
MAN: Who said I was . . .?
WOMAN: You'll never get him to admit it.
HE: Whatever it is.
MAN (ignoring them):
First.
WOMAN: I love it when he does this.
MAN: You change the subject when we arrive.
SHE: I never.
MAN: And even deny you were talking about us.
HE: It wasn't about you.
SHE: It wasn't about anything.
HE: Yes it was. Except you . . .
MAN: Yes?
HE: Nothing.
MAN: You see?
And then you take the spoon out of the sugar jar to stir your coffee with though you don't take sugar.
SHE: He takes sugar in his tea, though. Two heaped teaspoons.
MAN: Was he drinking tea?
SHE: I don't think so.
HE: No, I wasn't.
MAN: So why . . . ?
HE: To mix up the milk. I like it all a uniform colour.
SHE: But I thought you preferred it black?
HE: I do. But you put in the milk without asking.
WOMAN: I always put the milk in the cup before I pour in the hot water.
SHE: We use a cafetiere.
MAN: And then there's the matter of what he's got in the woodshed. Why have you given up angling?
SHE: I was glad when he did. I think it's cruel.
HE: No. Fishes can't feel pain.
SHE: How do you know that? Have you asked them?
(Loud hammering on the door. Then the noise of splintering wood and two riot police burst in.)
COP 1: Get down on the floor, all of you. NOW!
HE: What d'you mean, bursting in . . . ?
COP 2: You better do as he says, mate.
HE: I suppose this is the good cop bad cop routine.
(COP 1 pushes him down.)
COP 1: Bloody do as I say, and no one'll get hurt.
COP 2: Which of you is the householder here?
HE (getting up):
I suppose that's me.
COP 1 (pushing him down again):
Get down and stay down!
COP 2 (To MAN):
And you would be, sir?
WOMAN: We live next door.
COP 1 (Pulling MAN to his feet):
So you're the one we're looking for. Come with us.
HE: But he's . . .
COP 1: He's what, exactly, sir?
HE: Nothing.
COP 1 (severely):
I warn you. The penalties for withholding evidence . . .
COP 2: . . . are very severe.
WOMAN: My husband works in a shop.
SHE: He's never done anything wrong in his life.
COP 1: That's for us to decide.
SHE: Well, we'll give evidence on his behalf, won't we, love?
HE: Yes, as a character witness.
COP 1: That won't be necessary, sir. It won't be in open court.
Come along, you. (They exit.)
HE: Funny, they didn't seem interested in the sugar jar, after all.
WOMAN: And you thought he might have had a fancy woman!
(Curtain.)
