(Enter some female Shields, among them DIANA, an Australian, who has been running the Shields office in the Palestine Hotel.)

SCHWEYK:

Good afternoon, ladies. It is not often we have the pleasure . . .

(For the remainder of the scene he stands to one side, apparently busy with cleaning tables etc, but actually eavesdropping.)

DIANA:

Thank the Lord there's no bloody males here – apart from you, Schweyk.

(SCHWEYK bows in acknowledgement.)

You're not a Western male. You're more polite. I'm tired of all the guys always trying to get their grubby little hands on my tits. Always toca-toca.

SIAMA (horrified):

Diana!

DIANA:

Well, it's true. The only woman seems to enjoy it is that Michelle. And how come they leave all the shitty jobs to us? I'm up to here with running the office, getting all the kicks. Tonight I'm going to resign. Let one of the men take over.

SIAMA:

Be fair, Di, some of the guys do their share. Shane's processing all the visas back in Amman. You know the stick he got when the bloody coach from Baghdad didn't turn up, and we had to fork out a few lousy dollars each just to get us here. John's checking out all the sites, which is a full-time job in itself.

And it's not only the men who complain all the time. Michelle . . .

DIANA:

Don't talk to me about bloody Michelle. She's as bad as the men. I saw her rushing out. I wondered if she was feeling a bit crook.

SIAMA:

Yes, I think she's a bit of a prick-teaser, personally. Frederick took quite a shine to her back in Rickmansworth.

FEMALE SHIELD 1:

And he paid for her entry visa

SIAMA:

He'll never get THAT back, I betcha. Well, he soon wised up to her, I'm glad to say. And now I think he's in love again.

DIANA:

He came to church with us on Sunday.

SIAMA:

So did Michelle, didn't she?

FEMALE SHIELD 2:

I would have thought she was a Catholic.

SIAMA:

Well, Fred's just an old romantic. You know he took a shine to Janet in Amman.

DIANA:

You're joking. I thought they hated each other.

SIAMA:

No, she told me herself. Took her a bit by surprise.

DIANA:

I thought he was married. Wasn't his wife on TV having a go at Tony Blair?

SIAMA:

I think he fancies everyone, to be honest. But basically, he's harmless. Just an old romantic. But at least he's not always on the toca-toca, like that bloody Mukhtar.

DIANA:

Yes, what's the story on him?

SIAMA:

Buggered if I know. He changes his nationality with the wind. Sometimes he's Algerian, sometimes he's French. And he's always coming on to me.

DIANA:

Didn't he nick your camera, Siama?

SIAMA:

Well, let's just say that I mislaid it and it turned up in his room.

FEMALE SHIELD 1:

Didn't the same thing happen with Fred's video camera?

SIAMA:

Yes, he was dead upset, cos it was loaned him by the BBC. He called in the law and Mukhtar said he'd found it on the coach and he was looking after it until someone came forward to claim it. The law complained Fred was wasting their time, which was a bit unfair.

DIANA:

Why didn't he hand it in at the desk?
SIAMA:

Beats me. Anyway, Di, I'll take over if you need a rest.

DIANA:

Well, I think it ought to be a man for a change.

SIAMA:

Fat chance! I suppose we'll have to put it to the meeting. Must do things democratically.

And don't forget we're deploying to six sites tomorrow morning early. The media'll be there, so we need to put on a good show.